(Pocket-lint) - Isn't Amazon great? From humble beginnings, the e-retailer has gone from strength to strength and now you can pretty much buy anything and have it delivered to your door in a matter of hours (sometimes same day if you really can't wait). With so many different products on offer, there's bound to be something for everyone. Amazon purchasers have certainly found a few corking products on the site.
We've had a poke about and found some of the very best comments and reviews on the various product pages to bring a selection of the best, most chortle-worthy and most interesting reviews around. There are some great products here, but the real highlight is the human beings who got excited by them.
Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant
The gigantic Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife is a "collector" focussed product with 87 different implements offering a staggering 141 functions. It's also a total bargain, available to buy on Amazon.com for a mere $9,999.99.
Customers had a few hilarious things to say about this marvel of modern engineering...
"It asked me if I knew where Sarah Connor was ..."
"It asked me if I knew where Sarah Connor was, and when I said no it took off out the front door. I feel lucky to be alive."
"Come back Jimmy"
"Used the alan keys to set up my 8-year-old kid's push-bike. It immediately became a Harley Davidson V-Rod Muscle. My son downed a bottle of Jim Beam, sprouted a handlebar moustache and disappeared into the sunset. I've never been so proud."
"What a Wenger"
"Well, it arrived before scheduled. It ate my dinner and drank my beer, then it built its own room and moved in with my wife. I would have rated it 5 stars but it keeps leaving the toilet seat up in the guest bathroom."
ThinkGeek Easy-Open Canned Unicorn Meat
ThinkGeek are often a source of geeky amusement and you can find various comical, hilarious and innovative products on the company's website or resold on Amazon. After the recent horsemeat debacle, it's actually semi-believable that Unicorn Meat could be a thing. Even if the creature themselves are entirely mythical.
"Tastes Like Spam"
"When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.
Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).
Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, "farmed" unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California, in fact, is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.
I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger."
Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle
This phallic looking product is probably up there with one of the most pointless purchases you'd ever make. A plastic pickle that yodels at the press of a button. That said, it got the approval of "Weird Al" Yankovic so maybe you shouldn't judge a pickle by its cover?
"He liked it so much he posted it to his Twitter ..."
"We purchased this and gave it to "Weird Al" Yankovic as a gift. He liked it so much he posted it to his Twitter and Instagram. If the weirdest guy on the planet approves, how can you go wrong? Highly recommended."
"Stick with a bong."
"On my birthday (4/20), I found this cute little green item on my dresser. I assumed Brad had left it for me as a "special" birthday gift.
I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, "Well, no more from that dispensary. Disappointed."
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Bananas are such a hassle. All that peel and messy chopping to get a perfect slice to pop in your morning cereal or homemade concoction. The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is a solution to a problem you didn't even know you had. It's also a magnificently simple product that's available to buy from both Amazon US and Amazon UK.
Purchasers have some hilarious things to say about this neat little kitchen gadget.
"No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!"
"For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon."
"Saved my marriage"
"What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!"
Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat
This book is the perfect gift for the crazy cat lady in your life. No more throwing away stray clumps of cat fur - with the knowledge contained in these pages they can now craft their own soft and adorable artworks from their pets stray hair. Included projects range from the humble finger puppet to the ambitious tote bag and slightly disturbing picture frame.
What more could you want?
"Worked like a charm."
"I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport."
"Finally, a use for cat hair."
"With the help of this book, my wife has made all of the Christmas gifts for our friends and family. She has made 4 pairs of socks, 2 scarves, 3 hats, a toaster cozy, slippers, a winter jacket and carpeted the family room. I highly recommend this book to anyone who, like my wife, has 14 shedding cats in their house."
Chambong glassware for rapid Champagne consumption
If you are the sort of person that thinks that quaffing Champagne is a tad too pretentious and not nearly swift enough to get you sozzled, then this Chambong product might be the answer to all your problems. Now you can down the fizzy good stuff in record time and to hell with the hoity-toity looks you'll get from the high-fliers.
"Unparalleled Drinking Technology"
"This new, unparalleled drinking technology has revolutionized my day and cut 30 minutes out of my morning routine. Now, I never really feel like I have started my day unless I have had a champagne breakfast; preferably a vintage '04/08 blanc de blanc grower champagne(RM); I try to avoid the maison houses and their high dosages as much as possible....but I digress. Sometimes my wife and I just simply don't have the time it takes to sit down and imbibe a bottle of champagne from a traditional flute before rushing out the door to drop our kids off at school and then head into the office. I must profess that with our Chambong, I can get 3-4 FULL glasses down in the time it takes to makes microwaved oatmeal for the little ones. God Bless Chambong!"
Albanese Candy, Sugar-Free Assorted Fruit Gummi Bears
If you totally love sweets, but are worried about diabetes, then fret no more as this 5lb (2.2kg) bag of gummy bears is not only sugar-free, it's basically free from anything and everything that remotely be an issue. These sweets are fat free, gluten free, dairy free, peanut free, but not flavour free. They do come with a warning that eating too many can produce laxative effects though. Yummy.
If you're not convinced, just take a look at the glowing comments from Amazon customers:
"Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate."
"Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more..."
(This one goes on and on, read the full review here).
Penguin Rubber Overhead Mask
Feeling lazy but you've got a fancy dress party to attend? Pop on a tuxedo and this penguin mask and you're away. Stylish, affordable and hilarious. What more could you want?
"I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children ..."
"I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children. They are terrified of the mask. Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin."
"Its super hot and I almost fainted"
"Bought it for when I cook. It makes cooking 10 times more enjoyable as I can feel the breeze of the Antarctic. (Not really, Its super hot and I almost fainted)"
Delicious PhD Darling Costume
In the past, we've seen that anything can be turned into a sexy Halloween costume, but we really feel that this outfit is graduating from classy school by the skin of its teeth.
"I've got your "Feminist Mystique" right here!"
"First things first, I am a lady Ph.D.
Like all lady Ph.Ds, I frequently ask myself: "How could I be sexier?"
Delicious costumes has come to my rescue! I can now lecture in my 5-inch gold spiked heels and "barely there" regalia while giving nary a thought to the male gaze and its implications on the prevalence of rape culture in our society.
I fully expect my chilli pepper rating on RMP to go through the roof once I begin to greet my students in this costume. Hopefully, I can keep my "post-structural hegemonies" from engaging in some wardrobe malfunctions. Then again, who cares?
I'm sexy! Forget about the 7 years I spent sweating out a dissertation and engaging in innovative research!
"This may be an academic point, but..."
"Sleeves are too short & have no stripes. Costume does not feature a hood. This is a "sexy BA" at best."
Grouting, Cleaning and Washing Sponge, X-Large
These multi-purpose sponges "work for any cleanup job around the home or office" and come in an extra large size that Amazon customers love:
"Worlds BEST Sponges"
"If I could give these sponges a million stars I would. I love them so much I couldn't even bring my self to use them I drew faces on them, they are now my friends and I have a little over 40 sponges! I am soon ordering more. I LOVE THESE SPONGES! they are a gift from God!"
SURGE is a popular carbonated soft drink originally available in the late 1996 but discontinued in 2001. Now you can purchase a crate and relive the hazy days of years gone by with large cans of citrus goodness.
Amazon customers were ecstatic:
"SURGE LITERALLY CAUSE MY SON TO BE BORN"
"So as a 90's kid I was thrown back into the days of Doritos 3d and Pokemon on my brand new green game boy color, when I got the news that the green beast was revived. So as that I instantly disregarded all responsibilities and priories that had been poisoning my soul and placed my order. The following weeks time began to feel like the into to an ac/dc song. My younger more pregnant girlfriend didn't understand my anxiety and why I was scrambling to collect all Crash Bandicoot & Tony Hawk Pro Skater games that have long been collecting dust along with my Limp Bizkit and KoRn albums. My 18-year-old brother thought I was crazy when I tried to explain the times of Bill Goldberg slamming a Surge while performing the "Jack Hammer" and staying up for days and eating pizza rolls and chugging the nectar of the gods. So when the Surge finally arrived I chilled one and then once the time had came I popped the top and the aroma said it all... the SURGE was real... IT WAS NOT A DREAM... My 36-week pregnant girlfriend wanted to know what the hype was all about, so she took a few sips... needless to say within 1 hour my son was throwing a mosh pit in her stomach and spin kicked her lady parts right into submission... SO MY SON WAS FULLED BY SURGE AND CAME OUT OF HER EATING SLIM JIMS AND WEARING BRIGHT ORANGE PARACHUTE PANTS RECITING PAPA ROACH LYRICS. THANK YOU SURGE FOR COMING BACK TO ME AND CRIMSONING MY NEWBORN SON WITH EPIC AWESOMENESS..."
"Now if we can convince Doritos to bring back 3D Doritos, I can sit in my living room, playing my Gameboy with my recorded version of Good Burger on VHS playing in the background, and feel like I never left the 90's"
Accoutrements Mr.Bacon Vs. Monsieur Tofu Action Figures
We have no idea why these exist or why you'd want to buy one, but if you've ever wanted to set two foodstuffs together to battle it out then tofu and bacon seem like the perfect enemies.
"Accoutrements Does It Again"
"Big fan of Accoutrements, the maker of this toy. Their "Stylish Mustaches," "Stylish Mustaches for Girls," and "Yodeling Pickle" toys were outdone by their "Dashboard Jesus" and "Male Nurse Action Figure." Interesting sidenote: the founders of the company had a personal falling out over the Dashboard Jesus and Male Nurse Action Figure. Both products were recommended to the Accoutrements' Board by the same $15.5 million marketing and development company for consideration at the same time, and the founders couldn't agree whether Jesus would approve of men taking up a traditionally female occupation.
I bought the Bacon v. Tofu toys on the advice of my psychiatrist, who recommended that I physically act out to resolve my lingering conflict between eating healthy, which my mom wanted me to do, and gorging unrepentantly on food products comprised of 95% animal fat, like I wanted to do. Turns out this toy was a Godsend. After 8 short months of bashing Bacon and Tofu together in the bath, I have resolved my inner conflict and released my food hangups. The key, as I discovered, and as Accoutrements insightfully predicted in designing these indestructible toys, is that neither Bacon nor Tofu wins. They have to learn to co-exist peacefully together."
They say that time is money, so when you find yourself stuck in traffic this product is a great way to turn your steering wheel into an ergonomic work surface for writing important notes or just a place to store your lunch while you chow down. For the modern worker, the AutoExec WheelMate is even compatible with a small laptop or tablet.
"Perfect for a Starfleet Helmsman"
"My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I'm driving. "You'll hit another pedestrian," he says. "This isn't the Enterprise, there isn't a deflector array." Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It's so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you've got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!"
"Doesn't ship with steering wheel or vehicle"
"Despite the pictures showing a fine young lady utilising this device in a vehicle, the product details do not state the fact that you need to provide your own steering wheel and car. I bought this product as I thought it was a cheap way into car ownership. Can you imagine my disappointment when it showed up in a box with nothing else inside?
Initially, I thought it was a box like the suitcase out of Mary Poppins. However, despite spending hours searching around in the box trying to find the extra space, all I found was a rusty staple. To add insult to injury, the staple wasn't even fit for purpose as I tried to fix my broken washing line with it and it bent.
If (like me) you are purchasing this item to provide a vehicle for your needs, you will be disappointed!"
The Kitty Pass Interior Cat Door Hidden Litter Box Pet Door for cats
The Kitty Pass cat door is pitched as "the safest and cutest way to let your cat in and out, of closed doors". No more hassle of opening and closing doors when you cat demands, just add his mini gateway to every door in your home and let them roam free.
"Its 10x better than it looks online"
"Love this, I hate my wife's cat but it made my wife pretty happy that the cat can come into out bedroom at will now and claw the dogs while they sleep. I installed this in just a few minutes, threw some Woodglue on to reinforce it, dried it for a few hours ... boom it's sturdy and gets the job done. I hate that cat but his door is pretty cool."
"Dear diary, the authorities finally fixed the door"
The authorities don't understand that I can only get to my cat box if the door is open. I have tried to get them to understand this by lecturing them loudly in the middle of the night ("The door is closed!!!"). Finally the authorities came up with a solution. They put this door into the door. Shakespearen in a way, a door within a door. They are finally learning...
Whiskers (aka Killer)"
Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
Ah, the classic horse head mask. Either hilarious or creepy, depending on who you're talking to or who's wearing it. If you want to be the life of the party or avoid talking to other guests when you're out, then this is the mask for you.
Amazon reviewers have plenty to say about the ensuing hilarity that came as a result of purchasing one of these masks:
"I purchased this mane-ly for anonymity, but instead it was a night-mare that saddled me with un-bridled panic.
At a recent Comic Con, I donned the mask wearing my best track suit, jockeying for a simple laugh: "What do gay horses eat?" I queried, eager to bray "Heeeeeyyyy!!" Comic gold, friends, I know.
But the neigh-sayers came unglued. "No! You're George Takei! I know that voice!"
Now, it doesn't take a gallop poll to know what happened next. I hoofed it out of there with herds of fans riding my ass, shouting till they, too, were...horse."
"My Transformation is Complete"
"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place... But we will be ready."
Senior Woman with Asthma Wall Mural
Transform your wall with this custom vinyl decal of a senior woman with an asthma inhaler. What could be a more romantic addition to your bedroom?
Yes, this is a legitimate product and you can buy one straight from Amazon US today. Amazon's customers were full of joy at the opportunity to snap one up:
"Immortalize Your Loved Ones"
"I didn't know how to properly honor Grandma when she passed away. Framed photograph seemed too cliché, keeping her ashes wasn't something she wanted, wearing her clothing seemed a bit morbid and naming my firstborn after her was out of the question. Sorry but Agnes just isn't something I feel comfortable naming my child. Then, I found Wallmonkeys and found that I could memorialize my dear, dead grandmother in a way that not only resonated with me but kept her memory alive. I always grew up loving wall decals and I thought "Why not make my grandmother into a tasteful wall decal". This way I can remember her in a sentimental way and my kids can remember her not as boring grandma in the old photograph, but as cool, hip grandma as a sleek sticker that is on my wall. I really love that it's not some posed picture, but grandma doing something she loved, obtaining oxygen, in a picture she wasn't ready for. It's like she's still here with us, but a lot cooler and asking less invasive questions. So thanks Wallmonkeys, for making grandma live on, forever, in my house, permanently on my wall (trust me, that sticker DOES NOT come off)."
"5 stars but husband broke his legs"
"My husband and I have been arguing about what to fill the large wall on the stairs with for months, he wanted a mirror, I wanted a large image of an old woman using an inhaler. Why you ask? I'm not sure, having always been a little bit of a boundary pusher and somewhat of a decor daredevil, he's always come up with these odd suggestions, a mirror ha! When he suggested it I actually laughed in his face, then I told my friends who also laughed, one also questioned why I married him, she actually gave me the idea in the first place as she has a large decal above her fireplace, a beautiful piece named 'man with hearing aid' it's like you can almost see him tweak at the volume. Real art.
Anyway back to 'woman with breathing difficulties' of course I won and my husband being a stubborn old mule walks down the stairs with his eyes closed because as he says 'he can't stand to look at it' although I have a feeling it's more to do with he can't stand staring defeat in the face!
The funny thing is, having walked down the stairs with his eyes closed for weeks without a fall all of a sudden it happened and he broke both his legs, I took this opportunity to face him directly in front of this amazing art until he appreciated it. I also took artistic photos of him and sent them to wallmonkeys in case they wanted a decal of 'man with walking difficulties'"
Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk
Milk, the wonderful white nectar is not only available from your local store, you can now get it on Amazon too. Isn't the internet wonderful?
"Make this your only stock and store"
"Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more."
Portable Pizza Pouch - Great Gag Gift, Stocking Stuffer, Or For The Pizza Lover!
If you get a bit peckish while you're out about then the pizza pouch is probably your unhealthiest snack storage option. Around the house though, who's going to know?
"I finally have friends!"
"I spent most of life being friendless. In daycare my mom had to tie bright colorful toys to my pigtails to get the other kids to take care of me. In Kindergarten the teacher bribed fellow students to play with me by offering them chocolate milk rather than the much-dreaded white milk. In elementary school the teachers put me in nerd classes so I could get away from the large class more often and be in a group of students that they felt I was more like. Even those kids wanted nothing to do with me. In junior high the teachers weren't sympathetic to the issue. In high school I had already learned to accept that no one liked me but I managed to make friends by bribing them with the green sticky icky.
Now as an adult I have become a friendless shut-in. I leave the house long enough to go to work where my coworkers ignore me. The neighbors hide behind their bushes when they see me pull into the subdivision. The kids run screaming.
Well..... that was until now. Now that I have this Portable Pizza Pouch I can't get rid of my new friends. Every morning I get up and slip a pizza into the pouch and wrap it around my neck. Life couldn't be any easier. I finally have followers on all my social media accounts. I have been invited to join book clubs! I even have a BFF for the first time ever! The dog even wants to be my friend! Also, the pizza aroma covers up my natural body odor."
"This was a lifesaver during that time I was left ..."
"This was a lifesaver during that time I was left for dead whilst hiking the Appalachian trail. My "friends" abandoned me when I was engrossed in latrine building. I was near starvation when I recalled my lucky pizza pouch hanging invitingly from my neck. I was able to ration bites from my mushroom, pepper, and onion well done supplemental slice until help arrived. I wasn't even hungry when they brought me back to civilization."
Wilton Silver Color Mist
Although originally intended as a food colour spray to add a hint of magic to your baked goods, it seems that Wilton spray colour mist has been hijacked by fans of the recent Mad Max film with a selection of chortle-worthy reviews.
"WHAT A SPRAY"
"IMMORTAN JOE WILL WITNESS ME FOR FINDING THIS SPRAY ON SALE FOR CERTAIN"
"One of my warboys used this product three times and was not awaited in Valhalla. Buyers beware."
"I LIVE! I DIE! I LIVE AGAIN!"
Southwest Specialty Products 30007C Barbasol Can Safe
Southwest Specialty Products have crafted these genuine product containers into secret storage containers. Perfect for squirrelling away extra cash or precious items you don't want family members to find or to protect from unwanted guests. That is, of course, unless they've seen Jurassic Park where this exact can was used as part of the plot. Hence the barrage of reviews...
"Perfect for corporate espionage!"
"I needed a vessel to safely transport viable dinosaur embryos from a secret compound on an island in South America. I couldn't have asked for a better container. It even dispenses shaving cream! I tested this out in my hand at a restaurant and put it on someone's pie. I highly recommend this product!!!!"
"Jurassic Park made this product iconic; hence, frustrated purpose"
"Do you recall the scene in "Jurassic Park" when "Newman" from "Seinfeld" explained his plot to commit corporate espionage against his employer? His main device was the "Barbasol Can Safe." Jurassic Park is in iconic movie, seen by nearly every person in contemporary American society. The lesson? This product is no longer novel; rather, it's obvious. There is an excellent possibility that a crook will spot the can of Barbasol and remember "Newman's" plot from Jurassic Park. Hence, he'll try to unscrew the bottom of the can and voila - valuables found.
So there you have it. The idea itself is good, but unfortunately, it's novelty has been spoiled due to product placement in a well-known film. Hence, the can's purpose has been frustrated."
Waterfall Audio "Niagara" Diamond Glass Floor Standing Loudspeakers
These Waterfall glass speakers are the height of audio excellence, at least we hope they are considering the $40,000+ price tag. Amazon reviewers though, were a bit disappointed at the lack of actual waterfalls included in the design.
"Misleading product name..."
"I was quite despondent to see them shipped in simple wooden and cardboard boxes as if these were being sent to peasants. They should have been packed in hand-stained mahogany shipping containers and wrapped tightly in baby panda fur for softness.
After my servants removed the speakers from their shipping boxes I was quite pleased with the quality of the audio for about 5 minutes. That is where the product quality took a downward turn. The 'waterfall' feature was not installed. It obviously had to be added upon set up. So I had one of the servants fetch some of our good water. (We special order it. It's collected as ice from the South Pole and upon melting is blessed by the Pope into Holy Water. Only the best for my home!)
But upon filling the speakers with water their sound quality reduced dramatically and eventually both units stopped working entirely. To add insult to this injury, the waterfall feature never even functioned properly!
The manufacturer didn't understand why we filled the speakers with water and said something about 'waterfall' being the name of the company and not a description of the product. I'm not sure what he was saying. Honestly, I wasn't paying too much attention as my WireWorld - Platinum Starlight 7 HDMI Cable - 15 Meter arrived the same day and I was more interested in this other new toy.
We put the speakers in the bathroom as fish tanks or something...I'm not sure. I don't go to that wing of the house very often."
"FITS PERFECTLY ON ON MY SIDEWALK!"
"This speaker fits perfectly on my sidewalk, because I sold my house to buy these."
WIREWORLD Platinum Starlight 7 HDMI Audio/Video Cable 15 Metres
If you've just dropped $40,000 on some incredibly fancy speakers, then you don't want your cables to be the weak point of your setup. Standard HDMI cables are so dull. These are the ultimate cables - carbon fibre plugs, solid silver conductors and even a DNA Helix design. They're also 15 metres long, offering plenty of flexibility for your audio visual desires.
"Amazing HDMI! My wife used it as a necklace when we met the Queen of England last year. The Queen was amazed!"
"So I bought this along with Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, and I was instantly sent a text message by God saying I had won at life. Not only do I get to watch TV at the same specs as my old HDMI cable, but now I get to have perfectly sliced bananas to go along with it! Sorry everyone else, I am winning harder than any of you! (But now you know the secret!)"
Microwave Cooking for One
If being young, free and single is getting you down, then there's good news in the form of this tasty cookbook to help you become a microwave cooking whizz. If you're going to judge any book by its cover, then this is one tasty, knowledge packed manual that's bound to please.
"Recipes too salty"
"I found I had to cut back on the amount of salt in any given recipe because my tears of loneliness often over-seasoned whatever dish I happened to be heating."
"The cats hate the microwave and scurry whenever I turn it on"
"When I come home to my apartment, I turn on the microwave as my main source of heat. The cats hate the microwave and scurry whenever I turn it on, all seven of them. My greatest joy is choosing what frozen meal I get to fire up for my dinner. Then I discovered this book and things changed. Instead of only eating pre-made meals, I can now put my artisan skills to the test. I do recall being somewhat of a rock star in my home ec classes.
I am now making delicious spare ribs and seafood muffins (see page 141) and having a banquet with my cats. The other day I made a wonderful Rhubarb Pudding Cake (see page 211) and had a birthday party for Mr. Pawly Shore. I don’t know when his birthday actually is so I just go by the date that I got him from the shelter. I’ve learned to double-up and even triple-up on the ingredients so that I can make extra servings for myself the next day. When you know you’re going to be eating alone tomorrow again…might as well make extra."
How to Avoid Huge Ships
How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer is a maritime operations guidance book for a very specialised audience of small boat captains sailing the dangerous high seas rife with large boats and freighters. This classic book (available to buy from Amazon US and Amazon UK) has been taken by some Amazon reviews as motivational guidance for life:
"A Parent's Review"
"As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I'm sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don't even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn't help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can't always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I'm confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships."
"Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined."
This 24-karat gold device apparently produces the same benefits of traditional acupuncture without a costly visit to an actual acupuncturist. Capable of activating all 344 acupuncture points on your on hand with a gentle squeeze, it's a marvel of modern alternative medicine therapy and a complete steal at $79.99.
"May have Hatched. Don't Know What Came Out."
"Woke up this morning to find that my Guardian Angel had shattered. The inside was slimy and green. Moments later, heard a skittering sound behind some furniture. Found that during the night, phone lines had been cut, and all the doors and windows are shut with some kind of Super Glue-like substance. My cell phone has been smashed. I can't get out. It didn't cut the cable internet, so I've got online to warn you, don't buy the guarslkdj;al b bbbbbbbbbbbbbb,,,,,,,,,,,wke;lj
feeling better now. Everything is fine. I will be sending a Guardian Angel to all of its friends, family, neighbours, and associates. All humans must get one. Five stars. The most relaxing experience ever. I will never have another worry ever again after buying this product, and you will feel total fulfilment in service of a force infinitely greater than yourself. Buy it. You will never know pain after you feel the slight pinching at the back of your skull."
"I miss Mr. Prickles"
"I have no idea about what this thing is supposed to do but it's a wonderful surrogate for my dead hedgehog. RIP Mr. Prickles"
The Mountain 100% Cotton Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt
Perfect gift for the emo in your life, this relaxed fit t-shirt boasts "realistic" wolves howling at the moon. It's also available in pink, should you feel the need for something with a bit more colour.
"Howl at the Heavens!"
"This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn't walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, "Hey, you're that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren't you?" Even if I wore sunglasses, I'd still get mistaken for Yoko Ono.
But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, "Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He's sooooooo dreamy.
Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is."
"Great compliment for my skin art"
"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."
Giant Gummy Bears Party Python, 8 ft
Marvel at the wonder that is an eight-foot long gummy snake. Apparently, there are 450 servings of sugary goodness in this slithery beast and with over 12 months shelf life, there's plenty of time to nibble on it. This sugar coma inducing python can be yours for a mere $149. Amazon reviewers had mixed feelings on this one though:
"Awesome for a wedding!"
"For our "welcome to the jungle" themed wedding, I wore this wrapped around me like the good looking guy above. I went for the Tarzan look..and I really feel as if that was achieved thanks to this 26-pound gummy snake.. (However, it did get a little heavy towards the end.)
Instead of cake we just laid this bad boy down on the table and served him up...all savage like.
"Did not come with male model"
Custom Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
Things not quite steamy enough in the bedroom? Always fancied waking up to the hunk that is Nicolas Cage? Your dreams can now come true. Invest in your future shut-eye by purchasing yours online from Amazon US and Amazon UK.
"My National Treasure"
"I feel so protected knowing that Nicholas is in bed with me. This pillowcase is the first thing I see when I've awaken, and the last thing I see before I close my eyes for my deep slumber. The pure sexiness of this man's picture on your pillow will inspire you. Are you having relationship issues, family fights, or a crippling mental illness? Nicholas can ease the pain. Before I got my Custom Nicholas Cage Pillowcase, I had trouble sleeping... my insomnia took control of my life. I can tell you that when this product was shipped to me, put on my lil pillow, and used for sleep- that it was the best slumber in my entire life. He cradles my head so softly; I used to be afraid of the dark... Not anymore. Don't fall for scams like Sleepnumber, or Temperpedic. Get a Nicholas Cage Pillow Cover. Go on, you deserve it. The seduction is calling to you. This is now my MOST prized possession, and although I do not like to admit it... I tend to brag about it. I just want to show it off to the world. I am restful. I am relaxed. I am reborn. Hopefully, it will be able to find me a girlfriend or job someday. I have faith that Nicholas will make it happen.
Dream on, Amazon. Dream on."
"Like, those are the only things he says any ..."
"Got it for a friend who absolutely HATES Nicolas Cage. Hates his guts. So I shipped this to him at his university, and now he has kind of come under a spell. It's wierd. Now, he only talks in quotes from Nic Cage movies. Like, those are the only things he says any more. He also has been practicing Nicolas Cage's voice, wearing the same style of clothing, and has ~40 Gone in 60 Seconds posters in his room. They're all the same. I should probably call his mom to let her know."
BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen
With a product description of "BIC Cristal For Her has an elegant design - just for Her! It features a thin barrel designed to fit a women's hand. It has a diamond engraved barrel for an elegant and unique feminine style" these pens were bound to upset the feminists and rightly so. Amazon reviewers had a few things to say about it.
"Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and aapproachable It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.
Where has this pen been all my life???"
"I'd really like to buy a pack of these pens, but I probably need my father's or husband's permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions."
JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank
This land cruiser includes an armoured shell, plush interior and a 400watt premium sound system. A marvellous personal transport vehicle that looks like something out of Mad Max or Star Wars. The 6hp engine has a top speed of 40mph, so you can certainly get the wind blowing through your hair if nothing else. The best $19,999 purchase you'll ever make.
"This is a general notification of my client, Jabba The Hut, for his intent to file a suit for design copyright infringement in relation to his main barge.
My client intends to bring about this lawsuit shortly and hopes to resolve it by feeding you to his pet rancor. A representative, Mr. B. Fett, will be along presently to deliver the documents."
"Safest Uber cab in the city!!"
"I purchased the JL421 as I was beginning my career as an Uber driver in Chicago. I was pleasantly surprised when Uber gave me the black car bonus for being able to keep my customers safe from random gunfire. Highly recommended for inner city Uber drivers!!"
6ft Square Buddha Maitreya the Christ 51 Degree Copper Meditation Pyramid
Escape from the harsh realities of the world, by setting up this meditation pyramid in the comfort of your home. Use it for "daily for meditation, healing as well as for sleeping in and protection from astral influences" or just throw a sheet over it to hide from your family when it all gets a bit much.
"I assembled the pyramid, sat inside and immediate clarity ..."
"I assembled the pyramid, sat inside and immediate clarity of thought came to me. That clear thought was: "What the F*** have I done?"."
"This tent was missing its stakes, tarp, and fly cover. I had to cover it in vines and leaves for my camping trip, and I got soaked overnight when it rained. Coincidentally, my hepatitis is gone now."
Iridescent Glitter by Charles Leonard
A simple glitter product designed to help brighten up any of your arts and crafts projects. You either love or hate glitter, but this little bottle is something really special and in a convenient shaker too.
"Great For more than just Arts and Crafts"
"So I wake up in the middle of the night in my 2 bedroom apartment. I find me roommate passed out face down on the wooden floor. I think nothing of it and go back to sleep. The next morning I wake up to go to work and there is a homeless guy asleep on my couch. My roommate woke up still drunk and had made friends with a bum. And this is the second time he let a stranger off the street just stroll in and pass out. Great.
You are probably thinking what does this have to do with my arts and crafting.
Well I bought this product and proceeded to cover everything my roommate owns in glitter. Every T shirt, every book, ever pair of shoes, his bed... I covered his entire life in glitter. He will have glitter in every crevice of his existence until he dies.
Did some track out all over my apartment? yes.
Does the carpet look like a care bear farted all over it? Yes.
Did he threaten to kill me? Sure.
But will he ever let another stranger sleep on the couch? No
Will I ever have to worry about a random guy off the street murdering me in the night? No
All the security for just $12.44. Unbelievable Staggering Value. Cannot recommend enough."
"Awesome for activities!"
"Glitter. Imagine the possibilities. THROW SOME GLITTER MAKER IT RAIN. Or possibly make an air shooter and put some glitter in there, and have infinite fun. This glitter works so well as the ammunition of evil, it's pure evil. It clings to those you want it to, and even those you don't, heck, it even clings to you. This glitter will stand by your side, and on your side, for the rest of your days and for as long as you can remember. This glitter is great!"
Seen any more corking Amazon reviews we've missed? Let us know in the comments.