If William Shakespeare was living his life today, there can be no doubt that he would be an utter geek. He'd be glued to the info-web trawling up characters and plots and would probably be one of the worst social network addicts you've ever met. So, seeing as today is the celebration of both his birth and death, here is a list of his plays as he would have written them had he been alive right now.
The Merry Wives of Wozniak
A large bearded ex-Apple exec meets two women at the same time both of whom he fancies for his ever-growing list of spouses. The Woz woos them both simultaneously using the same trick of impressing them with his Segway polo skills. The two women, who are actually friends, realise what's going on when they receive identical love letters from their man with one signed off Steve Wozniak and the other Evets Kainzow. They exact their revenge by shaving off his beard in public and burning his collection of Hawaiian shirts which fortunately Steve takes very well. They all walk off into the sunset.
The play depicts the life and death of a king of an empire. Internal bickerings arise with the temporary absence of Jobs at which point, external rivals begin to spy weakness within the walled garden realm and plot takeovers and attacks. On the eve of the onslaught, King Jobs is poisoned by a disgruntled developer who's app has just been rejected from the App Store for the 20th time having accidentally used a word in the program's copy that was actually under copyright by Apple. The kingdom is handed over to Jobs's son, Prince Schiller.
Smartphone software champion Titus Androidius returns fresh from victory over the Symbian kingdom. His final act is to slay the Nokia N97, the son of the Queen of the Symbians, in a revenge ritual. However, the chickens come home to roost when the Queen of the Symbians takes over the Google empire and vows to destroy the Android family. She has Titus's daughter, Cupcake, hacked and cracked over the broken body of her husband, FroYo, and frames Titus's sons - Éclair, Donut and Flan. Despite her terriblestate, Cupcake manages to identify her attackers and eventually Titus kills the Queen but also dies in the process. A tragic tale for all but iPhone, WinMob, BlackBerry and Palm fans everywhere.
Comedy of Syntax Errors at line 4
A man accidentally bricks his iPhone while attempting to jailbreak it. He is about to be cut off by the geniuses at the Apple Store when the store manager agrees to listen to the sad tale of him just wanting to be able to use his handset to make VoIP calls over 3G so that he could try to track down his lost wife and twin sons. It actually turns out that both of his sons, each of whom is called Dave, are working in that very Apple Store entirely unaware of their relationship to each other. After lots of door slamming, hilarity and the odd fixing someone's iPod nano, the family are reunited and the man is issued with a brand new iPhone.
A young spammer is visited by the ghost of his murdered father to avenge his death by killing the head of the organised cybercrime gang for which he works, who also happens to be Spamlet's uncle. After much paranoia from the authorities, from spending all day in a dark room on his computer, from pop tart poisoning and wondering if he did in fact see the ghost or was just a bit high, Spamlet, along with pretty much everyone else in the cybercrime group, is killed.
A wealthy company VP and PC owner is urged by his wife to kill the CEO who is the only one in the business to own a Macintosh computer. Macdeath frames the CEO's secretaries by covering their bodies in Firewire cables and Harman Kardon desktop speakers and assumes the role of head of the company, taking the CEO's Mac as well. However, Macdeath is under heavy suspicion by colleagues more of whom he has to kill to keep his secret. Eventually, he himself is killed and his wife goes mad seeing snow leopard markings all over her hands. Out, damn spots.
A Midsummer Night's HTC Dream
A romantic comedy farce centred around the miscommunications of four lovers lost in the woods one night with bad reception on HTC Dream handsets. After attempts to get them fixed by mechanicals and encounters with Magic, the couples are finally handed HTC Hero phones in the morning and everyone is happy again.
Henry IV part 1
The historical play of the king of the Numatics 800W Twinflo vacuum cleaners and his friendly, smiley face. Henry 800 has troubles fighting off rebellion in the vacuum cleaner kingdom from people who insist on calling the devices "hoovers" while his wastrel son, Henry 900W Twinflo engine, runs about drinking and wenching in Europe.
Henry IV part 2
Henry 900W Twinflo engine continues his larks while his farther deals with further attacks, this time from Electrolux. While on his death bed from an incident with a coin getting sucked up inside him, Henry 800W is visited by his son who finally takes responsibility and the crown as well. Henry 800W dies contented and his son rejects his former friends for a more respectible life.
Robot & Juliet
The heart-wrenching tale of two houses at war - one is human, the other android. Two of the youngsters from opposite houses fall in love but their forbidden passion can never be because their parts just don't fit together without the danger of one of them rusting and the other getting too cold. They eventually decide to end it in tragic suicide.
As You Load It
An incredibly complex dramatic comedy of a Windows and a Mac user attempting to work on the same files each created with Apple and Microsoft proprietary software. They convert video files, recapture footage, use emulators and nearly get there when it turns out that they then need to send all the collaborated information to someone using a Linux machine. Rarely performed, rarely understood.
The Windows Tale
In Sicilia Valley, King Gates becomes convinced that his wife, Melinda, is having an affair with his friend Ballmer, King of the software department. He has her imprisoned and sends delegates to search the internet to see if his suspicions were true. While in prison, Melinda, gives birth to a girl and Gates has it sent to the software department to be placed alone in the wild. When the delegates return and state that the internet has exonerated Melinda, Gates remains stubborn and his wife and son die. Sixteen years later, a repentant Gates is reunited with his daughter, who is in love with the Prince of the software department. His wife is also later reunited with him by extraordinary means.
A man becomes convinced that his wife is having an affair with his best friend through IM chats by a person with whom he plays online Yahoo! Othello. The man is eventually persuaded to send a hitmen after his best friend while he smothers his own wife. He later finds out that his "IM buddy" was just trying a few mind tricks to put him off his game and the man kills himself.
Henry 900W Twinflo engine is now a grown man and king of vacuum cleaners in the land. After insults from arch-enemies Hoover, Henry leads a great attack, with his followers and market share hugely outnumbered, but after a series of rousing speeches manages to win the day and the hearts of the people at the same time.
Much Ado About Notepad
Another classic Shakespearean romantic comedic tale of love and affection entwined - only all the the flirting, disguise and misrecognition take place at a LAN party where Notepad files are sent to one another. Plain text was chosen so as to be more easily cross compatible. Misadventure follows misidentity as the LAN party quickly becomes a series of weddings. The next day the correct Notepad files are associated with the right people and the couples finally match up as they always should of.
Linux Labour's Lost
Three young open source developers agree an oath to abstain from the lures of women so that they can concentrate on three years of software writing in order to provide a platform that can seriously take on the big players that are Windows and Mac OS. At the same time as they do this, three beautiful woman who are actually interested in coding move into the flat next door and hilarity ensues as the developers fall hopelessly in love with them. The twist is that, at the end, in order to prove that their love is true, the men must wait a whole year before actually getting their hands on them while they attempt to finish their work.
The Merchant of Vuzix
A travelling salesman of personal 3D viewing glasses borrows some money from a loan shark in an attempt to woo one of his customer with whom he has fallen in love. After successfully wining and dining the lady - as well as paying off her dad - the salesman breaks his foot and is unable to travel door to door to make back the money to pay his debt. As a result the loan shark comes calling for collateral which has been agreed as a pound of flesh. The salesman escapes on a technicality and they all live happily ever after watching their own individually chosen personal entertainment powered by the their media players, except the money lender who is curiously content not to knee cap everyone.
Two Gentlemen of Mountain View
Set some time in the future, two honourable gentlemen of Silicon Valley decide to start a search engine of search engines under the promise of doing no evil. As their empire grows and their influence with it, one of the pair begins to be seduced by the idea of, in fact, doing a great deal of evil once he realises that they basically own the internet and everything in it. Eventually (fingers crossed) his friend and colleagues show him the error of his ways and the internet is in harmony once again.
In a remarkebly similar use of plot and characters to one of Shakespeare's earlier works, this play is set in corporate Rome where Jobsius Caesar reigns as leader of a computing cult empire. One of Caeser's right hand men, Schillius, persuades fellow ancient Roman executive, BrutiIve, in a plot to murder Jobsious whose power has become far too great for everyone's good. Knives all around Caesar stab deep into his back as he is deposed but BrutiIve and Schillius struggle with whether their decision was actually just. They eventually commit suicide and the computer company is lost.
The daughter of an internet addict falls in love with someone who doesn't even have a Facebook account. The addict, Cyberline, disapproves of and forbids the marriage and humiliates him with embarrassing YouTube footage he posts online. After a series of near misses and a lot of confusion, the suitor ends up fighting with Cyberline's sons to help defend the internet from the likes of the Digital Bill and major record labels. Cyberline sees the good in his future son-in-law, allows the marriage and encourages him to get into social networking.
An aged king and owner of the ridiculously sought after £5,000 Leica M8.2 decides to divide his kingdom and camera collection among two of his daughters and casts the youngest out of his kingdom for disloyalty. Eventually he comes to understand that it was the other two who are disloyal, but he has already given them the kingdom and his expensive cameras. He wanders the countryside as a poor man until the good daughter comes with her husband to reclaim her father's lands and top end photographic equipment. The wicked daughters are defeated, but only after the good one has been captured and murdered. King Leica then dies of grief surrounded by the hollow treasures that is his camera collection.
Henry VI part 1
Henry 900W Twinflo engine dies and his son Henry 1000W Twinflo engine with double rocker switch takes over. Essentially, he's not as good at being king of the vacuum cleaner world and trouble begins to brew as Dyson and other foreign invaders begin to take market share
Henry VI part 2
Henry 1000W Henry 1000W Twinflo engine with double rocker switch fails to deal with internal troubles and the situation for Numatics starts to look bleak as civil war breaks out between its products. This becomes known as the War of the Hoses.
Henry VI part 3
Continuation of part 2 as the War of the Hoses battles on. Eventually, the Numatics Kingdom is torn down by the bagless vacuum cleaners and Henry 1000W Twinflo engine with double rocker switch sucks the dust.
All's Well That Shuts Down Well
A lowly female chip solderer on the shop floor of the Dell factory falls in love with one of the company VPs sons. After fixing Michael Dell's laptop when he's late for a meeting, the chip solderer is offered the son's hand in marriage. The son is disgusted at the inequality of their factory status levels and says that he will not be with her until she can put OS X onto Inspiron 1500 knowing that this would be impossible. She tricks him by using the Inspiron chassis as an elaborate case mod and after seeing the error of his ways and the solderer's genius, the son agrees to wed her and the couple fall in love. They're never short of a laptop again.
Apple and Cleopatra
A lady by the name of Cleopatra is bought a MacBook for her birthday by her husband. She promptly falls in love with her new computer for its simplicity, user-friendliness and stylish good looks. To begin with, the husband is happy to use the MacBook from time to time but his relationship with the computer breaks down from the jealousy of the realtionship his wife has with it and the fact that it just wont let him view all his PC files on it. In the mean time, the wife goes berserk buying everything she can from Apple as her desires and bank balance know no bounds until she and her Apple computer try to oust her husband from their house. The husband finally wins out and sends the MacBook off to Will it Blend. Cleopatara takes her own life.
Trollus and cResSida
A argumentative blog surfer one day goes browsing on some feminist sites laying down comments to stir up a hornets nest. During a heated exchange on a threaded stream, he falls in love with cResSida who eventually returns his affections. The couple while away the evenings in private chat rooms together neglecting their work. Eventually cResSida's sense of duty gets the better of her and she returns to Genderdefender where she starts to write posts again. To Trollus's horror she falls in love with another woman and his heart is broken.
A royal party from Milan gets lost in the magic of a 1980s alien invasion arcade game set in space and a curious coloured line drawn tunnel. Within the game, they find the rightful Duke of Milan who gives them all a good scare before finally breaking the game - his creation - and returning to claim the throne.
Pericles, Prince of Typing
An epic tale covering many years. Pericles spends so long in his quest to be the fastest typer on earth that he doesn't notice when his daughter is sold into prostitution as he passes 200wpm. And he doesn't so much as flinch at 320wpm when his wife is buried at sea. Eventually, when his f key falls off, he realises the error of his ways and reunites with his family while his keeping skills up on a netbook.
Timon of Amstrad
A man who spends his life giving away free late 80s home computers is finally confronted by the people of the town when it's discovered that the machines were never his to begin with. Annoyed that they'd rather focus on this rather than the pleasure that Skate or Die, Manic Minor and Paperboy bring them - whether in green monochrome or not - he leaves to live as a hermit in a cave with only an old MSX for company with the Penguin Adventure game cartridge.
A ludicrously convoluted plot of cross-dressing, identical non-identical twins, drunked fools, lazy kings and angry queens and all of it in 140 characters or less.
The final in the vacuum cleaner dynasty covering the glorious reign of Henry 1200W with Twinflo engine, double rocker switch, recesses near the back at the top, a redesigned rear exhaust and a 360 degree bumper. The action focuses around all the Hettys he gets through.
A man makes a drawing of his own rear end which is accidentally sent around the company where he is the most successful salesman. The picture gets out onto the web at large and the man loses his job and is sent into employment exile. Eventually, he joins a rival company and attempts a hostile takeover of his previous employers where the rest of his family still works. On the even of battle, his family pleads with him to reconsider. He agrees, returns to his old job and deletes all photo and image editing software from his desktop.
Motorola for Motorola
A teenage love affair over push-to-talk goes a little too far and the girl in question becomes pregnant. Although willing to marry, the boyfriend is kept away by the girl's protector but after around 5 acts of bleep-bleep chirp, most people live happily ever after.
The Tablet of the Shrew
A defiant young lady does her best to spurn the advances of a gentleman suitor. After weeks of trying to break her down with chocolates, flowers and poetry, he finally cracks it after she has a play with his iPad. They marry.
Two Noble Kins-men
Two close friends, Biz and Ev, are divided by their love of the same woman. They are eventually forced to compete publicly for her hand on their very own microblogging network using the latest social networking handsets from Microsoft.
Historical play set just after the Wars of the Hoses. Political intrigue on top of a background of low speed over the air data services
The same play but a bit quicker.
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