Brook puts in an unintentionally hilarious turn as “bikini-clad babe getting drilled on a beach” in this “Swept Away”-style stinker from Stewart “Mannequin 2: On the Move” Raffill.

Loud-mouthed Texas businessman Jack (Zane) and his trophy wife Jennifer’s (Brook) honeymoon goes tits up (and out, on numerous occasions) when their luxury cruiser catches fire and sinks in the middle of the ocean.

Proving that wood floats, Brook is washed up on a remote tropical island with only muscle-bound Latin boatman Manuel (Di Pace) for company. But after a couple of days frolicking in their undies the pair find Jack unconscious on the beach and their island paradise is thrown into disarray. Fighting for survival, and Brook’s breasts, the men begin a primitive “survival of the fittest” battle that eventually leads to only one of the trio making it off the island alive.

Amusingly, the rescue boat that eventually turns up is called the “Three Stars” – wishful thinking, unless they’re making a joke about the film being f***ing awful that is.

Brook’s on-screen career started with the “Big Breakfast” so it is fitting that it will probably end with this dog’s dinner of a movie.

There were reports last year that Zane had tried to get “Three” banned to stop the gratuitous soft-porn scenes involving his new missus (they met on set) from getting out. However, after seeing the film it seems more likely that he was worried about the effect it might have on his own career.

Throw in a bonkers voodoo sup-plot, a terrible score and one horrific “ballroom dancing to imaginary music” scene and you would have to say that on a scale of thrillers “Three” isn’t even half as good as “Se7en”. At one point Brook screams “I can’t believe this is happening”. Amen to that.

Verdict

What is it with him and boats? After “Dead Calm” and “Titanic” it seems that he is physically unable to get on a ship without it ending up on the bottom of the ocean, and he certainly sinks without a trace here in a ridiculously over-the-top turn.

There’s no doubt Brook looks good in, and out of, a bikini but she spends most of the story looking like she is reading autocue cards in the mistake that she is still on Celebrity Love Island.

Worse still there aren't even any extras to get excited about. One to rent, but only if you've got £3.50 and a couple of hours you never want to get back.

Rating: 18
Staring: Kelly Brook, Billy Zane, Juan Pablo Di Pace
Directed by: Stewart Raffill
Extras: None

Sections TV